GinaMaria's Through Shadow's Falling

New Year 2010

2010-02-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

New year. New Crap. But I have not given up hope! I started this year yelling into the night. "This is my year I claim it as a good year when all will be right again!" I have not seen any evidence to that but I am ever hopeful! I know no one hears me out there but It feels right to keep Yelling!

Peace and Bright Blessings!

October...Still Here

2009-10-06T13:15:00.000-07:00

Still alive and kicking.. Going through a rough time. Don't see and end in sight. Family is no help. But not blameing them of course they dont know how to help.

Thanks from across the street.

2008-04-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

The Family across the street came out and spoke with me today. They Thanked me for all that I had done. Mom told me she was in shock and just didnt know what to do and I was there to help her husband. Everyone think good thoughts for the little girl she needs it.

Tears for a loss not my own

2008-04-24T23:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a fairly good day for me. It was my Mom's birthday and we had fun getting a mani-peti. Ok girls we all know what that is. It felt wonderful. Then I took my mom to a apt. then dropped her off. After I left my mom I went to my belly dancing class, don't laugh I've got the belly so what the hell!!!

It was a good class and I felt better on my feet. YA! I'm doing something. After I had dinner with two friends and we laughed a lot it felt so good to do so.

I was in my driveway and just about it get out of my van when I saw the neighbors dog running loose again. She is a very small 3 month old Yorkie. I didn't want to get out of my van fearing she would see me and run across the road like she has done many times before. I saw the little girl that owns her come out of the house and head for the dog.

Relieved I got out of my van and dammit the dog ran out into the road with the girl following. I heard a reved engine and the dog was killed. I feared the girl was hit as well because she was on the ground screaming. Her family ran outside and she got up and ran in the house but it was too late for the dog. I tried to comfort the man and yelled for the little girl to stay back when she tried to come closer. The dog died as we had our hands on her. I told the man that I would get a towel to wrap her in he said no. I said you cant let your daughter see her like this and he agreed. He was grief stricken.

Needless to say when I got in my home I lost it, frantically looking for a clean towel I had been doing the laundry so found one on the couch. Beige with pink roses one of my favorites. The man and I wrapped the dog in the towel and with out a word her took her into the house.

The wife ran out and hugged me and thanked me for everything I did. I feel I didn't do enough. I burst into tears and said I wished now I had got out of the car sooner.

We hugged and cried and parted I could hear the little girl screaming in the house and knew her dad had told her the dog was gone.

Oh and the (piece of shit) driving the car that hit the dog never slowed down just gunned it all the way down the road. He wasn't doing 25 mph either.

I was furious that none of us saw the vehicle or got the plates.

I sobbed all night long for the little dog across the street. And more importantly the little girl who watched her dog die.

I cant get the images out of my head no matter how many meds I take. Or the guilt I feel. I have thrown up over the site of it.

My husband doesn't understand the pain I feel. My son however does, he heard me crying and came in my room and handed me my two ferrets Loki and Gizmo and said love on these mommy. I did...

100 things to do before I die! "before and after"

2008-04-18T19:44:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about the list I made many years ago. This was a list of things I wanted to do before I died.
This is not a complete list of course but give you a idea.
1. Try out for the Olympics in archery for the USA.
2.Learn two or more languages. German, Japanese, Italian.
3. Write a book.
4. Start a successful home business.
5.Swim with the Manta rays at Monterey bay.
6. Visit Hawaii.
and many more.
My list now look something like this.
1. Get up, make it though the day.
2. Learn Spanish.
3. Take pills go to bed repeat.

Stepping out of the Shadow

2008-04-17T01:29:00.000-07:00

Me,

Smiling in spite of myself. Everyday a battle with what I call shadows and darkness.

My Bi-polar eating away at the very core of the person I used to be.

Sitting here at one of my most favorite places in the world feeling the peace the Sea brings my soul until the shadows creep back again.